I wanted to give you guys an insight into my life. I’m living proof that it’s possible for any bad situation to turn into something beautiful and that God never leaves you even when you may not see Him in the midst of your troubles.

( It’s going to be long so I’ll be spitting it up into separate blogs.)

Part 1.

The start.

I became follower of Jesus when I was young, around the age of 7 and I was also baptized at that age. I loved going to church and hearing the teachings. I was in church choir went to Awanas, and VBS. I knew who Jesus was and what He did but I hadn’t experienced Jesus in my own life yet. Little did I know that He would be showing up in many big ways.

My brothers and I were homeschooled. No we didn’t wear head to toe coverings and we were very well socialized. We played sports, had public school friends and did volunteer work at places like the food bank and nursing homes.

I went to a homeschool Co-Op from 5th grade through graduation. There I made lots of good friends. One Friend I made there was Niki Rae. I was 15 and she was 13 when we met. She came from a very strict Mormon household and her mom didn’t like me much because the first time she met me, I had ripped jeans on! So our friendship mostly stayed at school even though she was only there for a year we became close and Back then I had no idea why. But God had a plan.

Teenage years.

At 16 years old I was finally aloud to date, so of course like any boy crazy teenager I wasted no time getting my first boyfriend. I dated a few boys that year, they each only lasted a few months or few weeks. My parents were pretty strict so dating was a hard thing to do anyways.

In January 2016 I started dating a guy whose name was Caleb. The thing about this was, he was Nikis Ex, or so I thought. I met Caleb at a choir concert I had gone to to see Niki and my friend Aubrie preform in. I had no interest in Caleb at the time of course because he was dating my friend and I had a boyfriend at the time. Fast forward a couple months I had broken up with my boyfriend and was going through Facebook and Caleb popped up on my friends you may know list.

I had been told that Niki and Caleb had broken up months ago so I messaged him, we talked and started dating. Come to find out that wasn’t true. Niki found out we were together when another friend showed her a photo on facebook of him giving me flowers.

One day He and I were hanging out at my friends birthday when all of a sudden his phone starts blowing up. It was Niki obviously angry that we were dating. This blow out is probably the worst friendship breakup I’ve ever had. At the I didn’t even know why she was so angry. I was told they had broken up but She didn’t have access to social media or a phone in general and her mom wouldn’t let us hang out so I never got the chance to talk to her but in my 17 year old brain they had been broken up for months and I wouldn’t care if my friend dated my ex. Niki and I were no contact for two years after that. 

Caleb and I were doing great and we got married when I was 19. Yeah, yeah I know. A horrible decision on my part but it happened. I was in love and in a rush to be a wife and a mother.
Being a mom has always been my biggest dream in life, I wanted more than anything else and that definitely clouded my judgement.

Around year two, Niki and I made contact and decide to hang out. I apologized profusely for being inconsiderate and stupid for not putting more effort into asking her about if he and her had really broken up. She graciously forgave me and we became a big part of each other’s lives.
It was honestly like we never stopped being friends. Caleb was weird about us being friends and I didn’t really know why since all had been forgiven, but as the years passed more and more dots connected. We learned he lied about a lot and he didn’t want us talking and finding that out.

(To this day she and I are best friends and I couldn’t be more thankful for her! We have helped each other through so much but I’ll get to more of that later .)

Him and I went though a lot together from moving countless times, losing a baby to miscarriage and financial problems.

We ended up getting divorced after 4 1/2 years. It really broke my heart because we were best friends when we were dating all the way through about the first year of marriage. Then the disagreements and fights started.
I tried to save it multiple times but you can’t fix a marriage on your own. One night we sat down and just laid it all out on the table. 8 hours of talking about absolutely everything! From how we felt to what would need to change. We went to sleep saying we would try but when I woke the next morning I realized we shouldn’t have to completely change who we are to stay together. Compromise is one thing, but l changing everything about ourselves just wasn’t realistic and I didn’t want to change the things he didn’t like because it was who I am to my core. Probably the biggest thing for me was learning a few years before that he had lied about believing in God. That really put a crack in our marriage because I was told we were on the same page but we weren’t. Our outlooks on life and the morals we held were completely different and he had led me to believe they were the same. I asked many times but he didn’t want to go to therapy which would have been our last option. So that day he packed his stuff and left. I’m pretty sure he wanted out because of how quick he was to leave. Luckily we were renting an apartment with my brother and his wife at the time so I wasn’t alone. I slept on the couch the first week because the bed felt to empty.
I was stuck with paying the rent and picking up the pieces from the rug being pulled out of under me and the life I had pictured being completely changed. Thankfully my parents were there to help me financially and emotionally.

I was lost and angry and felt very abandoned. I asked God why I wasn’t worth fighting for more times than I can count. When we split up we agreed we didn’t care if we dated other people before the divorce was final. I didn’t date right away but I talked to a few people and then about 8 months later I started dating someone who turned out to be another bad decision….

Stay tuned for part two…