Heal on your own time.

The biggest mistake I believe we make is thinking that once we have enough time pass after a traumatic event or heartbreak that we will be okay. We believe we should be able to get back to exactly who we’re were before said thing happened. The truth is that that is a very unrealistic expectation. It ends up destroying us even more because we don’t understand why we aren’t able to get back to “normal” . The truth is, you won’t be the same. You may build more walls and trust less. You may ruminate over what happened trying to find a way to make it make sense and figure out if you could have done something differently to prevent the event (which you couldn’t have). You might turn into someone who is more standoffish or problematic or who becomes so unsure of themselves and loses their entire identity. All of these outcomes are perfectly normal responses to trauma and heartbreak no matter how big or how small it may see to someone else. Truly healing is the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Consciously re-wiring your brain is required for things like mental abuse.

Mental abuse in itself is now ranked just as bad if not worse than physical abuse In the eyes of the law. Not to down play physical abuse by any means because it’s a horrible thing to have to go through and heal from but, mental abuse takes longer to heal from and it effects every aspect of your life. It leaves scars that aren’t viable. I personally include cheating in this category because being cheated on can drive someone to insanity. It affects your ability to trust others and yourself. It depletes your self-confidence and makes you question your reality.

Other things that fall into that category include: Being talked down to consistently, name calling, being criticized, isolated, financially controlled or being offered help in some form and having it held over your head when they need someway to put you down. Being gaslit into believing all of those things listed above aren’t happening is also part of the abuse.

I have personally been through all those and more. It’s made it hard to trust anyone who is genuinely trying to love me. I have a hard time trusting myself though I’m regaining that ability every day. The thing about healing is you can be perfectly fine one day and then a song, a smell or a place can bring it all back in an instant and you have to purposefully pull yourself out of the place all over again. It does get easier but it won’t happen over night. Healing isn’t linear but it is possible with daily work.

“What happened to you wasn’t your fault but it is your responsibility to heal from it “

Evaluating where you went wrong and what you will and will not allow ever again is also a very important part of the shadow work that goes into healing. Because yes you’re a victim but even if it’s hard to come to terms with, we allowed that to happen to a point. We decide how we let others treat us. At some point they show us who they are and sure maybe we want to see if it was a fluke or not but when we stay past the 3rd,4th and 5th time….that is allowing it.

Setting healthy boundaries and refusing to let anyone cross them no matter the title they hold in your life is the next big step. As a recovering people pleaser I know how hard this one is.
You’re allowed to be rude, mean and absent if it means protecting yourself. It’s okay if they get mad at you because people who truly care and love you will not be mad when you set boundaries.

Dr. Seuss. Said “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”

So do the work. The hard shadow work that will reveal the parts of you that need to go and what should stay along with what needs to be added. Say the affirmations, journal, pray, meditate, take up a new hobby or re-start one you use to love. Cut ties with the friend or family member, leave the relationship. Whatever it takes for you to be okay is okay. You’re allowed to heal on your own time and in your own way.

You can love someone and still not allow them to be apart of your life if they are going to hinder your healing and growth.

One day you’ll think about it and it won’t sting quite as much, then eventually it won’t hurt at all. It will all just be part of your story and you can say you made it through and help others do the same.